Ninjas, Dead Bodies, and Dystopian Futures, Oh My!

Otherwise known as the 2nd Sort-of-Annual Stupendously Ultimate First Paragraph Challenge, the Home Edition!

In solidarity with Nathan, and in an attempt to see what agents experience on a regular basis cause myself as much pain as humanly possible, I vowed to read every post in the SUFP thread and to post my own list of favorites. All 1,364 posts in the thread.

Why did I agree to do this? Oh uncaring gods of the post-apocalyptic dystopian underworld, whyyyyyy?

I am almost to post #1,000. It's 2am, the beagle needs a walk, it's a dark and stormy night with the rain hurtling against my house like a horde of jackrabbits on amphetamines, but I should have a list of favorites by tomorrow. Thank you all for being so willing to share your opening paragraphs!